Harry Potter and the Paisley Apron
by toastmonger
Summary: It is not just an average day at Hogwarts. Find out how in the heck Voldemort can be connected to a paisley apron and a white picket fence...R&R!!
1. Default Chapter

Disclamer: all hp characters belong to JK Rowling, no, in fact, we do not own them…

In the beginning… there was Ron. And then there was Ron complaining to Harry. 

"I dunno, Harry, I think Percy's finally gone off the deep end… 'e's lost his marbles." 

"What do you mean, Ron?" Harry asked.

"Well, he's been walking around, hunched over, humming some weird theme song, it seems like, and he keeps turning around quickly and staring oddly at dark corners." Harry nods sagely.

"Ohh…" Suddenly, Harry puts his hand to his forehead quickly. "AHHHH!! IT _burns_!"

  


"Harry!! HARRY!! You were ironing your pants. You just put the iron to your head!"

  


"Oh." Harry puts his hand down. All at once, Harry's scar starts flashing wild colors, and projecting a hologram that reads:

"HARRY POTTER!!! BEWARE! VOLDEMORT IS NEAR!!!!"

  


Harry's lips move as he tries to read the text backwards.

"Raen? Who's Raen Sitromedlov?"

  


"Always slow on the uptake, aren't you Harry?" Hermione walked in. She was still bitter about Harry dumping her 2 years ago. "We upgraded your scar while you were sleeping."

  


Suddenly, a distraction appears as McGonagall runs down the hall followed closely by Lupine, who is yelling "No! Minerva! Don't leave me, I love you! Look at me! I'm sexy!"

  


"I just can't take it anymore!" McGonagall yelled back, "I have to go to Costco to get Drano 'cause of all your hair in the shower! I HATE COSTCO! And you're always so mean at that time of the month. You become an animal! Goodbye my furry little love bucket…"

  


As they disappear down the hall everyone notices Percy, who is coming down the hallway with a dagger in his teeth-"Buh nuh nuh!"(His own theme music donncha know…).

"Perce, what's with the dagger in the teeth?" Ron asks as Percy whips around.

"Er, I'm umm…developing, uh…"

  


"Chest hair," Lupine appears, "Tell me about it." Lupine retreats into an empty classroom, and dissolves. A wounded howling emerges.

Percy stares, "Right. I'm uh, developing, no…it's a … Quidditch mouth guard!" Harry perks up.

"Really!??" Harry grabs the dagger and puts it in his mouth, cutting his lips. Hermione intervenes to save his life. 

"Honestly, this kid should wear a helmet. Harry, knives aren't good for mouths."

  


"Oh."

  


Draco saunters down the hallway towards the bleeding Harry, a Hermione shaking her head in disgust, and Ron staring sideways at the Percy who is humming Buh nuh nuh under his breath and looking furtively around again. Draco is in TIGHT dragon skin pants. His hair is spiked and has green flecks in it. 

"Hey Hermione, wanna go make out in a dark corner?"

  


"Umm… Draco, aren't you gay, though?"

  


"Hey that rhymes!" Ron interjected.

"WHAT???!!! I'M NOT GAY!!!!"

  


Harry says, "Oh." Ron hits Harry upside the head. 

"Yah know, all those Quidditch accidents and encounters with Voldemort over the years have really made you simple minded. Will you _please_ stop saying 'oh'!?"

  


Hermione is thinking. "Oh, ok. Why not?"

  


"STOP SAYING OH!!!!!!" An invisible voice cries out. Voldemort materializes next to Ron. "And what's with you people and dark corners??? They call ME the weird, twisted one!" Voldemort rips off his invisibility cloak in a rage, skewering Malfoy in the process. "Ha!" he cries, "fruit kabob!" Voldemort grabs Ron and disappears. Using this little shebang as a distraction, Percy tries to kill Dumbledore, but Dumbledore doesn't die because he's all-powerful. Percy puts his head in his hands starts to cry, and I mean really cry, as in Elijah Wood…

  


"I… I… I'm so-sorry pro-professor!!! My... my ambition has finally blossomed fully. NEWTS just aren't good enough. Head boy is a paltry little title. I want to be Headmaster." Percy looks up, an ugly look on his face. "That's why you just had to die." Dumbledore pats the obviously disturbed boy on the head.

"I'm sorry too, Percy. I'm sorry you will have to rot in Azkaban for this." 

  


"What?!? NOOOOOO!!!" Dumbledore hands him over to some security guards who appeared, don't ask me how. Dumbledore turns to find Hermione staring in shock at the dead body and Harry looking confused. Dumbledore sighs. 

"Voldemort?" Harry nods. Dumbledore sighs again. "I swear. If that Snape hadn't tinkered with the shields…" Hermione looked up sharply.

"I _knew_ he was evil!!" Harry nodded. Dumbledore shakes his head irritatedly.

"No, no, no. Snape tried to funnel the shields' magic into his stereo equipment. He wanted to have Shakeera blasting while he jazzercised. He just didn't do it well enough and blew up both the stereo equipment and the shields. And Percy's little failed hostile takeover distracted me enough so that Voldemort could steal Ron." Dumbledore throws his hands up in disgust. "Since we are going to be horribly mangled anyway, we might as well have some fun before dying in grotesque and magical ways." At this, Dumbledore throws off his shirt and pants and breaks into the "Risky Business" routine (boxers and air guitar.)

As the students stare at their headmaster in complete disbelief, Sirius Black saunters down the hallway. Harry grins.

"Sirius, you're back!!!"

  


"Why aren't you still in hiding?" Hermione looked furtively up and down the hallway. Sirius shrugged.

"Eh. I didn't feel like it anymore. Anyway, Harry, I forgot to tell you something. I'm your fairy godmother."

  


"Oh. Wait. Does that mean you're female?" 

"NO! Fine, I'm your fairy godfather. Make you happy?"

  


"Oh. Ok." Sirius looks oddly at him. 

"Are you ok?" Hermione nods, a bit exasperated.

"Ron already pointed it out, before he was stolen by Lord Voldemort and his brother was taken away. Harry has sustained so many blows to the head, along with other body parts, that his capacity for thought and conversation has been somewhat… reduced." Sirius shakes his head.

"I was waiting for that to happen." Hermione looked shrewdly at Sirius Black.

"So… if you are a fairy godsomething, then you have magic powers, right?"

  


"Yeah. And?"

  


"Can you get Voldemort to come back with Ron?" Sirius shrugged.

"Sure, why not?"


	2. Voldemort's Real Story

CHAPTER 2: Voldemort's real story... 

"Sure. Why not?" Sirius makes a few fancy movements with his hands.

"Um… Voldemorticus appearimusnuscus… us." Hermione gives him a suspicious look.

"Are you sure that's right?" Sirius turns bright red.

"Uh huh. And _who's _the magical being here? Me? I thought so." Hermione turned red also. In a 'poof' cloud, Voldemort turns up with Ron. Voldemort whips something off quickly and hides it behind his back. Unfortunately for the evil lord, Harry was behind him.

"Hey, nice paisley apron. My aunt has one of these. Well, hers is a more floral pattern."

  


"Really? I couldn't find one other than this one. Paisley doesn't compliment my complexion well. Where did she get hers? I got mine at the Bon." 

  


"Umm… Sax." Sirius can't believe his eyes. Not only was Voldemort in a housedress, both he and Ron had bright red lipstick smeared across the mouth area. 

"Ron… is there something you want to tell us?" Ron joined the blushing club, turning as red as the lipstick. 

"Why do you ask?" Hermione is staring strangely at Ron. "What??!!?" 

  


"…Nothing… it's just that…" Ron scowls.

"Can't a guy find love without getting odd looks? Geez. And I thought you were modern, Hermione." Sirius gives a knowing look to Voldemort. 

"Trying to replace James again?" Harry gave Sirius a dazed look, or at least reoriented his constant dazed look on his fairy godfather. 

  
"What?" Voldemort turns slowly to face Harry. 

"Harry… I am your…" Hermione puts up a hand.

"Wait, wait, wait. This isn't going to be the entire Star Wars take off thing again, is it. I mean, 'Luke, I am your father' has beaten to death already!!!" Voldemort looks at her in disgust.

"Excuse me, pivotal moment here. If you please? As I was saying, Harry, I am your mother."

  


"Oh. WHAT?!?? You are FEMALE???" Harry stares at his self-proclaimed mother in absolute disbelief, who cut a striking figure in drag. 

"Harry, your father and I… we were in love. James had been dating Severus…" Hermione interjected again. 

"Let me get this straight. You, HARRY'S DAD, and _SNAPE_ are all gay!?!?!?!" Voldemort rolls his eyes.

"Can't anyone tell a history without interruptions from a self-possessed, snot-nosed, weasely little prig?" Hermione looked at him, shocked and hurt. "Anyways, James had been dating Severus for about a year when I finally decided to come out of the closet. Hogwarts was very accepting. So was James. We dated for two years, until at our graduation, we decided to get married. We lived in a beautiful little one story with white shutters and a blue picket fence, and there were tulips and daffodils in the garden and the window boxes. Oh such a sweet little house!!" Hermione was watching the evil Lord Voldemort's hands and he motioned where the flowers went. "Oh how I miss that house! But, we decided we wanted children. Since neither of us had a womb, we researched agencies and found a willing surrogate mother who had dated James briefly in school. Lily." Voldemort's face distorted in anger when he said Harry's biological mother's name. "Lily still was enamored with James, and James, being bisexual, as it turned out, was won over by not only her charm, but a charm set by her, if you follow me. James, being your biological father, left me for that little guttersnipe. Enticed by Lily, he hid the house with a spell, which you know about." Voldemort grew sad as he continued on with his story. "Heartbroken, I searched for my little lumpkins. He had left no note and I feared for you Harry, as yet unborn. I feared Lily had threatened you and seduced James off. When I finally found out what happened, I, unfortunately, I…" Voldemort's eyes filled with tears. "I flew into a jealous rage. How dare she? I destroyed Lily and my poor, sweet James. I am still ashamed that my anger drove me to try to destroy even you, Harry, for the blood of your mother that ran through your veins. But that night was the first night I ever laid eyes on you Harry. You looked so much like your father; I had to abort the curse. That is why," Voldemort's long white hand traced Harry's scar softly, "that is why you have this scar. The curse only skimmed you; the only way I could abort the curse was to bring it back into myself. My grief was instilled into your little cut. That is why, when I am near, you share a bit of my pain. The curse and my broken heart sent me into shambles, and I had to go think deeply. You know, all your life I've watched you Harry. I connected you again to me through your wand. I watch over the only physical living thing that remains of my dear, dear, dear James." A tear rolled down Voldemort's cheek as he stroked Harry's cheek. Harry stared at him with wide eyes.

"So that's why Snape hates Harry!" Hermione exclaimed. Voldemort scowled blackly.

"Thanks for drawing such a great conclusion from my speech of grief. I'm flattered by your empathy." With a flick of that long, white hand, he turned Hermione into a newt. She got better, don't worry.

  
Meanwhile, a certain captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team talked to a recently made friend. Tom Riddle, brought back to solidity by one of Neville's misguided potions. He turned out to be a very nice guy, devoid of evil notions. Of course, he was brought back by one of _Neville's_ potions. This is probably a good thing for the world. But anyway, both of these handsome devils were deep in discussion.

"So, since we are incredibly hot and charming, it's our duty to save Percy? I don't even _like_ Percy." Tom nodded excitedly.

  
"EXACTLY!! It's even better that way. That way, we are even MORE like heroes. After, two dashing fellows like us can't do any harm." Oliver Wood shrugged. 

  
"What was that phrase…" They both said it together: "Beautiful people-to the rescue!" And they disappeared in a tasteful poof cloud of smoke. 


	3. Hermione's Love Life?

Mean-meanwhile, Harry bonded with his true mother.  Ron refused to talk to Hermione, and Sirius was conjuring up little things that came to mind with his magical powers.  

"Ooh, fuzzy bunny slippers.  YAY! Sparkly pens!"  Hermione perked up.

"Did you say sparkly pens?" Sirius nodded happily and showed off the rainbow colored shimmer pens. Hermione snatched a few out of his hands.  Sirius shrugged and conjured those colors up again. 

Ron sneered at Hermione.  

"What's with the glitter fetish all of the sudden?"  Hermione stuck out her tongue.   

"What's it to you?  Why don't you go cuddle with _your_ boyfriend?"  Sirius raised an eyebrow.

"What's with the emphasis on _your_?"  Ron nodded.  Harry and Voldemort turn away from their conversation to hear this explanation.  Hermione asserted her claim to the Blushing Club yet again.  

"I don't know what you are talking about.  I have to go write letters now.  Good bye."  With that, she flounced out in the Hogwarts pleated skirt-thing.  Sirius smiled nastily.

"I think she's got a secret boyfriend.  Who's gonna spy on her to find out?"  Ron raised his hand.

"I can go under the pose of 'apologizing', she'd like that…" Sirius nodded.  Ron wandered off in the direction of the Commons Room after promising he would come back to his 'woojy boojy'.  Everybody assumed that was Voldemort.

As this not very interesting episode took place, our two alliterative handsome heroes were flashing astonishingly white teeth, blinding the Dementors and wandering around the cells.  They finally found a very thin Percy wallowing in self-pity.

"Um… Percy?  Why are you so thin?  You've only been in here for 2 hours."  Percy looked up with a very scary face. Tom Riddle stepped back.

"There are no Twinkies in Azkaban…must have golden sponge cake…creamy filling…" Tom and Wood exchanged knowing looks.  Percy was a sugar addict.  The two dashing guys smiled their way back out of Azkaban and started the trek back to Hogwarts.  Percy whined and complained often about not having enough energy to make it back.  Wood shut him up by giving him one of those little peppermints that always get a little fuzz on them once they get into a pocket, even if they are tightly wrapped.  Percy started complaining again as soon as it had fully dissolved.  In the last mile to Hogwarts, Tom finally just clonked him on the head with a handy tree limb.  He was seething. 

"I couldn't take it anymore.  I had to shut him up."  Wood rolled his eyes.

"Then you have to carry him."  Tom sighed and slung the unconscious Percy over his shoulder and continued on.

Back again at Hogwarts (no mean-mean-meanwhile, sorry), Ron had just walked into a classroom.  This would not have been exactly astonishing, except for the fact that Hermione was in there too-with a lot of candles, and a very big, pink quill pen.  Ron walked in, in time to see Hermione kiss a large, glossy envelope and give it to a large, glossy owl who flew out the window, and soared over the lake and beyond…awe wasn't that pretty.

"Ok, what's going on, Hermione?  You are turning into…" Ron shuddered, "that fruit, Lockhart."  Hermione looked completely shocked, and then slapped him, leaving a perfect handprint on his face, complete with every finger and a little mark where she was wearing a ring.  

"My gilded baby doll is NOT a FRUIT!"  Ron stared at her.  

"You can't be serious.  Even you can do better than that lily-lipped, cowslip cheeked whack job." Hermione gave him the evil eye.  Ron keeled over, evil eyed.  Harry, Sirius, Voldemort, and Dumbledore heard the thump and came in.  After all, they were right next to the open door.

Voldemort saw the scene, and I mean, come on, he was Head-Boy in his day, he saw what was going on.  The shrine in the corner, complete with large photograph (signed, of course-in purple ink) and scented candles in Lockhart's favorite scent, Resonant Rainbow were a large tip-off.

Voldemort looked at the pictures of Gilderoy kind of funnily.  

"Yah know, he looks really familiar…" Ron looked kind of scared-ily at his new boyfriend.  "In fact…" he got his evil, really scary, wrinkled eyebrows and everything, angry face on.  "That is the little punk/fiend who stole my bike."  Ron let a big breath.  Voldemort looked at him.  "What?"  Ron gave a little shuddery smile

"I thought you were gonna say you went out with him."  Voldemort laughed.

"No.  I went out with his cousin.  Of course, you already know that."  Ron gave him a little confused look, as did everyone else besides Dumbledore, because Dumbledore always seemed to know what was going on.  

"Who's his cousin?" Ron asked tentatively.  

"Snape."  

"Oh."  Harry finally spoke up.  Hermione looked shocked.

"My Gilded baby doll is related to Snape????"  Voldemort nodded.  

"Didn't you notice the family cheekbones, the startlingly sparkly eyes, the prominent noses?"  Hermione thought for a few moments, then horror grew on her face.  

"Ew… I would have married into _Snape's_ family!"  Ron looked at her with even more horror. 

"You guys were discussing _marriage_ already?  How long have you been with sleaze bucket?"  Hermione thought hard.

"Two years, five months, two days, seven minutes, and two, no three seconds."  Harry thought. 

"Weren't we going out then?" Hermione shook her head.

"No, this was the next day.  Some rebound relationship, eh?"

"Oh."  At this moment, Tom Riddle and Oliver Wood managed to actually burst into the room, busting the door in the process.  Everyone turned and gave them the attention they seeked.  They dumped a now emaciated Percy onto the floor, where he crumbled into a surprisingly little heap on the ground.  Dumbledore rolled his eyes.

"Oh no.  Didn't I get rid of the pitiful boy?  Poor boy isn't fit to live in society.  He will forever be trying to take over institutions and companies.  It is better that he stay away from working people."  Sirius raised an eyebrow.

"Bet?"  Dumbledore shrugged.

"Ok."  They shook on it for two gold galleons, then had Riddle put Percy in his bed.  "Now that that's taken care of, and since Voldemort hasn't killed anyone in the last few hours, I think we can all go down to Hagrid's for tea."   


	4. Happy Hour at Hogwarts

HAPPY HOUR AT HOGWARTS:   
  
AND NOW, FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT, AND ONLY SLIGHTLY RELEVENT:   
  
One day as Oliver Wood sat in an empty classroom, applying his weekly hair masque and practicing his dazzling smile, two piss drunk figures staggered in.   
"Professor McGonagal? Professor Lupin?" Oliver asked quizzically.   
"Oh, Remus, it's our Woliver Oood! Come on sweetie pea!" McGonagal lead in Lupin queasily.   
"Er, Professor, I thought that you two were broken up..."   
"Oh, well," Professor Lupin took over, "after all there's only one pub in town, and I supposssse..." Professor Lupin trailed off, then jerked back up, "we just ended up together, and got 'ta talkin' annddd..." he trailed off again, and Professor McGonagal took over.   
"Welll, we decided to tell ya the truth..."   
"Er, the truth?" Oliver asked, wondering if this was some kind of wild dream.   
"Yessir!" Lupin took over again, "Well I suppose this all begins in my fifth year...the, er, professor here was in her prime I suppose, and I, er, was a dashing soon-to-be-sixteen-year-old..." Oliver felt a large queasy feeling drop into his stomach. "And, well, you know...or must we give you that talk?"   
"Er, no professor," Oliver said hastily, "but why, how?"   
"Ummm, it was spring break," McGonagal slurred, "And I think it had something to do with young Severus Snape spiking the spring break punch..."   
"And, ummmmm," Lupin trailed, snapped back up, "Your dad had gone off to spend the week with Lily, something about him being gay and in love with the dark lord...and Sirius was spending break in Hagrid's hut, and I was left all alone..."   
"Okeydokey..." Oliver said with eyebrows raised, "What does this have anything to do with?"   
"Well," McGonagal seemed a bit on edge as she continued, "A week later I discovered that I had, er, 'an owl in the owlrey' if you know what I mean..."   
"We decided to keep it a secret, luckily the child was born in the summer months" Lupin took a little sigh and went on, "We found some people to take the child in, and that was that."   
Now, Oliver, not the brightest of sorts, asked, "And what happened to that child?"   
McGonagal, looking very meaningfully at Oliver said, "He went on to Hogwarts, and actually played very good Quidditch..."   
"Really? Did he play on the house teams?"   
"Umm, he actually has been the captain of the Gryffindor team for the past few years..."   
"Now hold on a minute, I am the Gryffindor captain!"   
"Er, that's what we're saying, you are our son, the forbidden love child of a sultry professor and a dashing young student!" Lupin cried.   
"No! No! NOOOOO!!!" Oliver cried, looked around, and shrugged, "oh, well, this explains a lot. Like that time you tried to make me cookies Prof. McGonagal...No, really," catching the look on McGonagal's face, "you tried, and that's good enough for me Profe-mom."   
McGonagal glowed with motherly pride. "Oh, son, we, we, we love you!"   
"Oh, I love you too Mom, Dad!!" Son cried to parents as they shared their first family hug.


	5. Tea Time at Hagrid's

TEA TIME AT HAGRID'S

Dumbledore led the way down to everyone's favorite gamekeeper's hut.  Following him were Harry, Hermione, Ron, Sirius, Lord Voldemort, Oliver, Lupin (who hadn't seen Hagrid for awhile), and Tom Riddle.  Dumbledore turned around.

"Ok, so who has the ring?" Everyone looked at Dumbledore a little confusedly, except for Hermione.  Dumbledore looked at Harry.  "Come on, Frodo, I know you don't want to go to Mordor, but really.  You must, or all of Middle Earth will be destroyed.  There is serious peril about."  He turned to Ron.  "And you Samwise Gamgee.  Really, think of the Shire and Gaffer.  You want to go back to Rosie, don't you?  There are no gardens around here."

"Well, I must admit the old Gaffer would be mighty disappointed if the gardens in the Shire were to-hey! What are you talking about?!?" Ron asked confusedly.  Lupin had the expression of one who has an idea what's going on, but is not completely sure.  Hermione's eyes grew large.

"Oh, I know what you mean!  My love battles near the barren land of Mordor," she rolled her r's.  "He, Elendil's heir, wields the blade that was forged anew, Andùril, to protect the goodly Men of Gondor…" Hermione trailed off, glowing in praise for 'her love'."  Ron gave her an odd look.

"Since when did Gilderoy Lockhart get a sword called 'Andùril' and actually protect people?  And when did all of you start talking so weird?"  Harry looked at Hermione.

"Arwen?  Since when did your hair get so bushy?  And you seem shorter…"

"Quiet, Frodo.  Just carry the ring." Lupin looked from Gand-Professor Dumbledore to Hermione.

"Well, since the Headmaster is over a hundred, I suppose that he has the right to a few senile trips, but I don't know what Hermione's excuse is…" Dumbledore shook his head.  

"So, who wants tea?"  Harry and Ron exchanged looks.

"We do!"  Olive Wood looked at Tom Riddle.

"Tom, I'm hungry."  Tom shrugged.

"Can't you wait the next few steps to Hagrid's?"  Tom stopped dead in his tracks.  His mouth dropped open.  "MUSHROOMS!!"  Oliver and Tom run off and stuff their faces with luckily non-poisonous mushrooms.  Dumbledore shook his head again.  The Fellowsh- I mean, group of students and teachers piled into Hagrid's hut, which amazingly held all of them comfortably.  On the fire was some pot that bubbled a liquid that was putrid purple, with smoke pouring off it.  Hagrid looked up at the guests.  

"Oh, hello.  Sorry, I was just in the middle of something…" The body of Malfoy lay on a chair in the corner (not a dark one).  There was a clattering in the kitchen area and suddenly, a somewhat decrepit, but nonetheless kind of pretty lady came out with a teapot.  She looked somewhat the worse for wear.  Harry's mouth dropped open, Voldemort began to get the scary-angry look, Dumbledore raised an eyebrow and Lupin looked slightly confused.  Ron elbowed Hagrid.

"Good on yer!  You finally got a girlfriend?"  Hagrid blushed beneath his beard. 

"Er, yeah."  Harry gaped at her.

"MOM?!?!?!?"  Voldemort looked at Harry, hurt.  "I mean, BIOLOGICAL MOM?!??!?"  Voldemort now turned the scary-angry face on the lady.

"You…you!  I thought you were dead!"  Lupin nodded.  Dumbledore looked at Hagrid.

"Well, Rubeus, is there something you might want to explain?  Like why you are living with such a controversial dead woman and you have the corpse of Malfoy in your living room."  Hagrid held up a book.  It read on the cover _Learn to be a Necromancer in Just Seven Days!_  Hagrid looked at his feet and blushed.  

"Weeeeel, this got delivered here with some wizards name on it, I think it was…oh yeah!  Regis Philbin.  So, I decided it looked interesting, and I started reading.  I got to day four when some nice bloke in the pub told me that they misspelled one of the words, and that they meant someone who loved dead people.  And, well I love this lady, allus have.  Since I knew where there was a bone or two of hers, I brought her back to life."  With this, Hagrid's chin came up and he squared his shoulders.  "And, I can if I want to."  Dumbledore threw his hands up in the air.

"And Mr. Malfoy?"  Hagrid smirked.

"Ah, well there you have to talk to a Miss Pansy Parkinson.  She's over there."  Hagrid pointed to Pansy, who was perched on a chair, sipping s cup of tea, and trying to look like she was enjoying a treacle sandwich Hagrid made her.  When the attention was turned towards, her, she got that deer in the headlights look. She didn't say anything, but that could because of many reasons.  For example, fear, bashfulness, grief, or just the fact that her teeth were glued together from the treacle.  She turned the deer-in-the-headlights look on Hagrid, and he had mercy.  

"Mus' be bashful.  Anyway, she came here to ask that her _boyfriend_," he winked and nudged Harry, almost knocking him over, "She wanted me to work my newfound…erm…TALENT on him."  Pansy blushed.  The weird bubbling, well, cauldron started blorping and Hagrid smiled.  "Here, watch this."  Hagrid opened Malfoy's mouth and poured some of the purplish-greenish liquid in, then sloshed some on his wound.  Then he dumped the rest of the contents onto the garden underneath his window.  " 's great fertilizer."  

The group of them craned their necks to see the mutant plants that were writhing.  Harry spoke up again.

"Oh."  They all looked at Malfoy in anticipation, as the body thrashed around.  Draco's tongue turned kinda foamy, and other things that aren't very pleasant sounding happened.  Hagrid looked a little worried.

"Er, that didn't happen with my delicate flower…"  Hagrid flipped through his book, then read some.  He finally hit his head.  "Whoops!  I never was very good at potions…"  All together now…

"WHAT DID YOU DO?"  Pansy even managed to separate her teeth to shriek this question at Hagrid.  Ron, Harry, Hermione, Lupin, Oliver, Tom, and Sirius all asked this question with gleeful curiosity, Dumbledore with a bit of concern, and Pansy with absolute, hair-tearing, tears, banshee-wailing, high pitched, etc, fury.  Hagrid looked a bit embarrassed.  "Where can I put my face?  Well, I kinda…did something…not very good…He'll be a bit…different."  Pansy grabbed Hagrid by the collar of his shirt and shook.

"For goodness sakes, man!  There aren't enough periods in the world for all your litte dot dot dots!  WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY SLITHERING SNAKE?!?!??!?"  Everybody went silent.   

"Well, I put the ingredients in the wrong order.  So, what the book says is that his personality traits may be, well, reversed."  Everybody but the panicking Pansy and the zombie Lily cheered.  Hermione just had to ask a question.

"But, what was that thrashing?"  Hagrid held up a finger.

"Now that's a question I can answer!!  He's been a pretty slimy git, right?"  Most of them nodded.  "So, the good personalities, long repressed had to put up quite a fight to gain control.  Pansy was pale.

"You mean…he'll be _nice_?"  Hagrid nodded.  Pansy's head fell down.  She shook her head as if defeated.  "That's even worse than him being dead."  She left.  They all shrugged.  Meanwhile, Voldemort, who had been making nasty faces at Lily, with twitching hands, looked up with a hungry look on his face.

"Um… Hagrid?  Could you bring someone else back?  Like, say if you had a lock of their hair?"  Hagrid beamed.

"Oh, sure!  Hair is easy!  Simple potion too!"  With shaking fingers, the evil Lord took out a pouch that had lain next to his skin.  He took half of a lock of hair, black and very shiny, out and gave it to Hagrid.  Hagrid, humming happily to himself, whipped up a potion while Lily served tea, closely questioned by Harry and Lupin.  Voldemort hovered over Hagrid, stroking the pouch with that aforementioned long white hand.  Ron sulked.  Hermione was composing a poem to herself about the good qualities of Gilderoy Lockhart's hair, and deciding to beg for a lock of that hair.  Finally, Hagrid muttered some words under his breath and stirred the pot furiously.  A thin, wraith-like figure floated out of the pot and coalesced in front of the gigantic fire. Spooky sad music started playing in the background.  Everyone, except for Hagrid and Hermione started to look for where it was coming from.  Hagrid waved his hand.

"Ignore it.  It always starts up when I start to do this," Everyone then realized that while they had been enjoying watching Malfoy literally squirm, music had in fact been playing.  Hagrid looked thoughtful.  "But this is a new song.  Not the usual."  Hermione, our resident know-it-all, as she will continually be pointed out to be, a tool of the author to make the plot more obvious, like we are now, waved a finger.

"Of course.  Note the poignant strain.  Obviously some tragedy is going to happen because of this act."  The music slowly fading, dying on a note, as such music usually does.  


	6. James

As soon as the spooky/sad music stopped, people stopped ignoring that 'thin, wraith-like figure'.  The diabolically evil and dastardly Dark Lord gasped and those long white hands came up, shaking, and covered his mouth. (Aw, aren't we great writers?)  Zombie-Lily dropped the teapot.  On Ron's foot.  Ron, yelling in pain and feeling that nasty feeling that he may be losing a hold on the situation as well as his relationship…well, he yelled.  Everyone ignored him, so he shut up and sniveled in the corner next to the unconscious Malfoy.

"…James?"  The wispy figure smiled however he used to smile when he was alive.  Voldemort gasped again.

"Hey Tom!  I gotta tell you, you did me a favor, killing me in a jealous rage.  It's great around here!"  Everyone stared.  Voldemort looked absolutely shattered.

"You mean…you don't miss me?"  James looked shiftily around, as if looking for the exits.

"Er, of course I did, sweetie!  How could I not?  I meant _besides_ the fact that I missed you horribly, that it's great around here."  'Tom' looked mollified and tried to take the phantom's hand.  But of course, as everyone who has read a lot and has seen this situation once or fifty times in the movies, it didn't work.  What kinda story would this be if it did?  Anyway…

"Oh James! Seeing you again…I miss you so much!"  James smiled again, completely ignoring Zombie-Lily because, face it, she was a zombie.  

"Why don't you join me?  I mean, there's sherbet with licorice straws and little things stuck on sticks to eat and it's warm and there's a pool and you wouldn't believe the gigantic _gardens_ we have here!"  He said gardens tauntingly, knowing Lord Voldemort's weakness for the floral world.  Voldemort bit his lip and looked from Harry to James and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth until everyone got dizzy from following his gaze.  James finally took the hint and said,

"Oh, Harry, my boy!  Didn't see you there.  Good job, making me proud."  Harry nodded.

"Oh."  James gave him an odd look, then Hermione explained again.  Voldemort made a heart wrenching decision and chose his love over his newfound somewhat dull 'son'.  

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" (see, you knew we would have to put it in sometime.)  Voldemort disappeared in a tasteful poof cloud that Tom and Oliver applauded.    


	7. Epilogue

EPILOGUE

Gilderoy Lockhart eventually dumped Hermione after which she took a job in London as a writer's aid(-oh, you know, where she points out problems with the plot to authors.  And sometimes she becomes a character to point out to the other characters and the readers little bits of the plot that perhaps, they would not have found out on their own…eh hem…).  Gilderoy, on the other hand, settled down in a nice house with a large mirror, and his only love—himself…

Ron eventually got over his little fling with the Dark Lord.  He became a flamenco dancer on a cruise ship.  He changed his name to Rhonda.  His loyal friends applaud him reluctantly still.

Harry…well Harry became president of America.  They all look to him as a marked improvement on their last president, that cowboy guy, whatsisname.  The people of America look to him to lead them to a new golden age with a wonderful economy.

He still has no one…

Dumbledore hooked up with Gandalf and they play chess with Shadowfax on a regular basis on Gandalf's little ranch.

Malfoy joined Rhonda as a flamenco dancer.

Sirius makes many many little kids happy as a Macy's elf.  His name, for now, is Crumpet.  In the off season, he works at Walmart.

Oliver and Tom still do hero-ing (yay!).  Oliver is very happy with his new family and Professor McGonagal and Professor Lupin still have fights about the shedding thing, but they are pretty happy together.

            Hagrid and Lily are very happy together.  Lily still doesn't talk much.

            Lord Voldemort and his little lumpkins are spending lots of time by the celestial pool sipping sherbert.  Lord Voldemort has taken up topiary.

THE END


End file.
